The Past Two Years, I've Missed You

 

Um... hey. 

It's been awhile. How are you? You look a little different and the world feels a whole different, huh?

It's weird writing again, when I stopped blogging, I also stopped writing all together. I've missed it.

It's crazy when I first started this blog I was so excited for the unknown, the new chapter was blank and I thought I had all the words to fill it in. 

When in reality I knew nothing.

So let me fill you in on that once blank chapter. 

I disappeared. I disappeared from friends, family, and tried to tightly package anything that I could almost two years ago away. Pretend like I never started this blog and that I was walking away from the thing I had been planning for most of my life.

I struggled and I shared how much I was struggling there for a moment with whoever would listen. I cried daily and felt like a fraud. 

Finally all of that pain, heartache, and shame caused me to recoil. I was disgusted and embarrassed of the version of myself I had become.

Here I was, the one girl that tried to always have it together and do everything the right way, I was leaving college, telling everyone I will go back - I just needed time, but in the back of my mind knowing I didn't truly believe that. 

I got a job, moved into my own little apartment in Dallas and then tried to navigate this very strange season I found myself in.

I lost a lot of things when I walked away. I lost friends, family, myself. 

Not because they were ashamed but because this version of Taylor was not one any of us had every met before. How can you hold onto something when it was never meant to stay the same forever?

This new job felt like my chance. I was met with this fuel inside of me that I was not going to fail at this, because my heart couldn't afford another failure. 

I told myself you are going to quietly work on yourself in the background. You are going to do the exact opposite of everything you've been trying to be.

It was an ugly process, I learned how to like being in my own company. I made my little one bedroom apartment a home and I filled it with the things that made me whole.

I worked at the job for year before getting a cool chance to go work and live in Downtown Dallas. I was in the heart of the city, it was what I use to dream about my life being. It was crazy every minute and I thrived on it for awhile but something told me that it wasn't forever. Maybe the dream was better than reality there. 

So I moved again, but this time with someone special. See, in the midst of working on myself and learning to love just being alone, I met boyfriend of now almost two years. Crazy how things work out.

If you know me I am one of the most type A people you will ever meet, now him on the other hand,  not even close, but that's a novel that no one has time to write, lol!

We balance each other well. Which is a great example of life, it's a balance. 

The 19 year old me from Decatur, TX who left with these huge plan will always be me. I feel like no one ever told me that growing up, you will say goodbye to many versions of yourself and others. 

When I see all of my old friends and classmates living this  crazy life, I smile and appreciate that for one small minute I had the honor to share a part in their stories. Because one day I may be a "old friend from high school" when they are sharing their story. 

I appreciate those connections that we all share. I'm now 22 years old who is ever much still learning but with a lot more gratitude for the little things.

I appreciate my younger self. I thank her for the sadness she went through and the strength she had to try again.

I hope you all feel a little more whole lately. I hope you appreciate yourself through every season. 

Thank you for listening to me ramble, it honestly just felt so good to write again.

I would love some feedback from anyone, is the blog something that should come back, would you even take the time to read it?? Let me know!