Let me first begin by saying hi, again. It’s been about a month and half since I could bring myself to write anything down, especially something to share with all of you. I even took down the blog Instagram because I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore.
If you follow me on any of my personal social media, you may have seen the happy post here and there, me living the college life. Honestly though, those moments are few and far between. Before I just dive into the sappy part let me catch you up on the last month or so.
Also, disclaimer this post will be honest, the ugly not so pretty parts of life.
I moved into college mid-August and the first night I was ready to throw in the towel. I felt like every day that passed I was losing myself and a happiness I would never get back. Dramatic, right? Well this is how I felt, honestly there are still days I feel like that.
I didn’t even survive a full week here before I packed up my bags and headed home for the weekend.
I think the scariest part was the unknown and the feeling of loneliness.
That trip home was probably also a brutal one for my Dad and Sarah. Because, I’m sure your normal “go-getter” kid sobbing and begging to come home after one week of college isn’t in the standard parenting handbooks.
And, I was so mad at myself, again some days I still am, mad that I wasn’t having a great time and thriving like it seemed everyone else was.
I missed/miss the comfort of home, seeing the people I love every day, and the guilt of wishing the last few years away.
The fact that I had not even the slightest idea of how difficult my first semester would be made the shock of it that much more surprising.
My first night, while I cried my eyes out (trying to be as quiet as possible so my roommate wouldn’t hear) one of my good friends told me this: “stay busy, fill your time so you don’t have time to think about what you miss.” This was advice I needed, advice I took. I got a job, made sure when I was studying it wasn’t in my room, even if that meant just walking two steps over to our study room in the dorm.
I may have only been here not even two full months but I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned that I struggle with being alone. Which this is ironic considering here I’m never really alone. But, that fact also makes it feel like you’re even more alone. In honor of re-reading Gatsby in English 1301 and there being the perfect quote to sum this up, “And I like large parties. They’re so intimate. At small parties there isn’t any privacy.” I use to dread going to my class of 200 students because I felt like there were so many possible “friends” but none were mine. I actually ended up falling in love with this class and it’s my favorite to go to, progress am I right?
I got a job, one that I really enjoy. I survived the month of September and then October came and washed away any progress I felt I had made. You see October 3rd is my birthday, it happened to be my 20th and I spent most of it alone. Granted my roommate and I went to lunch and she brought me a cake, but it wasn’t the same you know?
Another thing about October, my family moves. Not a couple hours away, but a long flight away. Alaska. I went up to visit them one last time before they left this weekend and for my birthday. I surprised my best friends and laughed more than I had in months, but you know that saying, “you can’t ever really go home again” well that for me felt like the biggest truth slap ever. It didn’t feel like home anymore. There were new story lines, the people I once hung out with gone, living their lives, moving on. I felt trapped in a past, I was too afraid to let go of.
My best friends have lives outside of mine now, and I am so happy for them. And, (brutal, ugly honesty) I am at times jealous. I envy them and I often ask “well what am I doing wrong?” I felt this pressure that I had to be happy. Why was I not happy? I SHOULD be happy.
I think part of the reason I’ve held off writing this was because I knew that if I wrote it down, if I allowed myself to feel and acknowledge everything, I would be too overwhelmed. I’d feel guilty for the feelings I’ve had.
I have to remember though that God, he knows what he’s doing, he’s had this plan before I was ever born and that I have to trust him. Trust that he has me. I spoke with a friend the other day and she was mentioning this quote and it struck a cord in me, my eyes literally started watering in the dining hall, it was: “His love is too good to leave me here.”
Now I’m not referring to here as this college town, but in this pain I currently finding myself living in. I have to remind myself that all this pain and heartbreak I’m feeling is from a life that was filled with so many amazing people, amazing people I still have just miles separating us. This love that consumed every part of my life. He proved to me how powerful he is, who am I to doubt that now? I talk a big game, I hate on a town and a school that isn’t at fault for how I feel, this is my season. I’m in it and maybe I should stop trying to survive it and just live it.
I mentioned before I’m learning a lot about myself, and I knew I struggled with control. However, here the only control I have is how I react. That is a brutal realization for someone who struggles with letting go.
I didn’t get to go to the school I wanted. I haven’t made friends like I thought I would. I live in a cereal box, where you have to play a game of Tetris when one of you has to get to the other side. My family is moving to Alaska. I cry, sometimes multiple times a day. And, I put way too much pressure on myself.
BUT, I am loved. I am not alone. I will get through this. I’m not okay, but I have faith that I will be. This is the part where I learn to love me, learn who I am, and to figure out what I want.
Here is to making the most out of the now and loving even the not so pretty parts.
If you are feeling any of these same emotions, me too. You’re not alone. This is one of the downsides to growing up.
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