The "A" Word

Before we even start this, I don't know everything: I will get things wrong, what works for me may not be for you, and please be kind.

Okay, let's talk about (looks left, then right) anxiety. Yeah the "A" word...

Honestly why is it still such a taboo thing to discuss? Today let me start this conversation among our little community here.

For my story we have to go back a bit, to about 6th grade. 

My Mother can probably recall the countless times she had to pick me up from the nurses office and take me home after a "breakdown."

I remember the nurse always giving in to calling my Mom after I'd get so upset I'd essentially breakout into hive on my face and neck.

For a long time I had no clue what would make me so upset, I thought I was just an over emotional kid.

Then it would progress to me getting ready for school in the morning and becoming so sick. I really believed something was wrong with me.

This cycle continued on until somewhere along the way it got put on the back burner.
I was starting to develop migraines.
I had always had headaches in the past but never migraines. They would get so bad I would spend nights on the bathroom floor puking, I know so glamorous. 

After a couple months of this and a 3D brain scan we found out that I had a benign mass in my left sinus cavity. It was pushing into my eye and had even dissolved the paper thin bone that was around  my eye socket. It was honestly really frightening. I remember how quickly they got me in for surgery and the absolute panic that over took me.

Why am I telling you this? 

Because during this entire time I wasn't getting out much and I had literally no friends. I had become extremely self-conscious of my eye- due to the pressure of the mass, my eye was forced into a swollen looking state- after the surgery it went back into place for the most part. This is something I am still incredibly insecure about.

When it was all said and done I didn't want to leave the house. We would go out to a store and the panic would set in and all I would want to do is head back to the security of home.

Then this gut sinking feeling became more common in everything I did.

It wasn't until my 8th grade year, I had yet to fully deal with the issue. I had just recently moved and was going through a lot of life changes. 

Slowly I started to realize what would trigger a flare up of this feeling-stress was the major factor, but I would later find out that it wasn't the only thing.

I've mentioned it several times before but I was on my high school dance team, which meant that every Friday we would preform in front of the entire student body and town, I was a pretty shy, reserved kid. This whole thing was like taking someone's protective shell prying it apart and saying "show us a trick."

I will never forget that feeling before my first performance, a mixture of "what have I done" mixed with "how stupid have I become" filled my mind.

But then I did it.

I know anxiety is an exhausting thing and I know everyone gets nervous, but anxiety is a whole other beast.
Sometimes an anxiety attack can come out of nowhere, it has no real rhyme or reason. Even in those moments you have to take care of yourself, don't become even more frustrated with yourself. 

When I have anxiety attack, thankfully they are fewer these days, they leave me so drained and lethargic for the remainder of that day and sometimes even into the next.

Trust me I don't have the perfect formula to get rid of anxiety but here are what have helped me and tips I've learned over the years

1. DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU AFRAID
1. Before you start shaking your head thinking I'm an idiot, hear me out. When you put yourself in uncomfortable situations you give yourself the power to over come the fear. If you can push yourself, you prove to your mind how strong you truly are. 
2. STEP AWAY
1. If you need to take a moment away, do it. Go somewhere empty and breathe. Breathing properly is huge. Remind yourself that you are fine and that the panic you are feeling will fade and you just have to ride out this moment, but you are safe.
3. WATER
1. Okay this was a game changer for me. When I would get a major panic attack I would cry and struggle to catch my breath. To the point that my head would throb to no end the next day or two. Right after one of these moments, I go a drink a huge glass of water and maybe take some Tylenol. Drinking water will not only help with calming you down and getting your breathing controlled it will rehydrate you, and that will help how you feel overall. Don't give your body another challenge to over come: like being dehydrated.
4. BE KIND TO YOURSELF
1. For me, tearing myself down only makes my anxiety worse. I have to remind myself that if I am giving 100%, I have no reason to be hard on myself 
5. MUSIC
1. Music can be an amazing way to take your mind off your thoughts. It is a tool I often use.
6. HAVE A SCHEDULE
1. This was something that was so important for me. I found that when I had a plan and a set schedule in my life, my anxiety would calm down.
7. DON'T BE EMBARRASSED 
1. I think as a society we put such a pressure on ourselves and others to always be "on" and that takes a toll on a person. It's okay if you struggle with anxiety plenty of people do. There was a day my junior year I was having chest pain all through the day, and I just shook it off because I had things to do. Later that day, I had physical therapy for my back and I was starting to feel really light headed and not like myself. My physical therapy team was awesome and took my vital; My blood pressure and heart rate was really elevated. I went home and kept it monitored and it wasn't getting better. I ended up having my grandmother take me to the Urgent Care and it turned out it was anxiety attack. Look, I was so embarrassed I wanted to cry. I couldn't explain why I had one and why it was nothing like what previous attacks had been like. The point is, I couldn't control it so why was I beating myself up about it and feeling so embarrassed, there was no point in it.
8. TALK TO PEOPLE
1. If you are anything like me, you might keep thing bottled up. Spoiler alert this will only make things worse. Talk to someone you trust and love, it really can help. Holding everything in only makes it fester and grow, handle it when it first comes up. This will save you a lot of stress.